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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
It’s not pretty being easy.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.