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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.