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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?