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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver