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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.