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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
With great power comes great electricity bill.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.