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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
If one goes to online college, do they have to haze them self?
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.