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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I want it all and I want it delivered.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.