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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there