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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.