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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.