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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.