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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.