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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"