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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Iād like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.