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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!