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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing