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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Never squat with your spurs on
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?