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I like the part of the day when food happens.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.