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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.