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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”