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Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me