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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Home is where the pants aren’t.