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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.