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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D