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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.