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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.