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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
u cant spell awesome without me
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.