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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.