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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.