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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?