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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.