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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you