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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.