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There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
My life is based on a true story
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
Being in hot water isn`t so bad if you throw in some bubbles and a glass of champagne.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.