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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.