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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
lol I rotfl
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”