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"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you