Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I have off-road rage, too
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.