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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.