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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.