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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I like it like that
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!