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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought Iād take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.