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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`