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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it then you`ve got it made!
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.