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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
Chip clips are for quitters.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.