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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.