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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
That moment when being uncool, is cool