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Vodka is just amazing water.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”