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Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.