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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
What number SPF blocks people?
I just made you think of an elephant
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I need a partner in wine.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.