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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook