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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.