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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
There is no time to check time
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.