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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.