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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.