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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.