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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?