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I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"