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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."