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If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.