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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."