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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.