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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife`s is around $643.27. Apparently
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.