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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.