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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.