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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
is battling with eyelids
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?