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Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?