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My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Good for you, people that do things.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.