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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.