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Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!