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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.