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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"