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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.