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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!