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Most problems can be solved with nudity
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.