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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
I need new swear words.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Chip clips are for quitters.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.