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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw