Daily Silly Status

Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.

I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............

This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.

Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)

I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos

All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time

It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"

*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.

Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........

It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.