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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.