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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.